GUILT

John was super quiet when he got back from California, which can mean one of two things - either he's not feeling up to par, or he's stewing about something. When I'd try to pry it out of him, he'd say "I'm fine, just a little tired from the long drive."

Finally, after he got back to Houston, he sent me an email in which he fessed up. It seems that the combination of the kids both being financially shaky right now, his volunteering to go on half-pay temporarily in order to avoid laying anyone off at his company, and our investments taking another nosedive, just when we were hopeful that the economy was finally pulling out of its slump, has left him with no real sense of security for the future, and feeling very hesitant about the idea of retiring. I suspect a lot of people are feeling the same way.

As you can imagine, as soon as I read this, I was overwhelmed with all those old feelings of guilt - for not contributing my share to our financial security. It got me to thinkin' that I must be the world's worst wife, and that John will never be able to retire if I don't give up all this silly writing and volunteering and running up to Dallas constantly, and get a real job with real hours that pays real money!

No sooner had I come to this conclusion, than he blew me away by writing this: "I guess I'm feeling a little guilty about our relationship. Two years apart wasn't what we had planned, but I am so happy with the way you have settled in up there and blossomed. I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. You've grown a lot during our marriage but nothing like the past 2 years. I'm really proud of you." Damn, here go the waterworks again. Every time I read that, I go through another box of Kleenex.

So, he's feeling guilty about cheating me? Criminy, what a bozo! I immediately responded, saying, "Jeez Louise! All I care about is you having time to do the things you want to do in life, and still be healthy enough to enjoy them! If you are happier working half-time, always having a little money coming in to fund your projects and for updating all those "obsolete" electronics, you can keep doing it for as long as you want. If you hate every single day that you have to go into the office, then quit. I am the world's most frugal woman, and can make do on whatever amount of money we have to get by on. I just want you to enjoy life. You deserve that, for all the years you've put us first, and been the best provider in the world."

Now, pardon me while I go see if I can scrounge up some toilet paper or a scrap of paper towel - anything to blow my nose on!