HOLDING ON, LETTING GO

At the beginning of November, I wrote this in my journal:

"When we first bought this place several years ago, we were quite anxious to experience a Hill Country Christmas. Lex had moved off to California and only had a few days off, so we didn't even try to get her up to Dallas for our traditional get-together with my side of the family. Instead, John, Austin and I drove up there a week early to see everyone. We were then able to spend Christmas in our snug little house here, just the four of us. It was a much quieter holiday than we were accustomed to, but still, a lot of fun to explore what this area had to offer, and establish some new traditions.

We've done that three years in a row now, and though it's great to be here, we sometimes miss the chaos of a multi-generational family celebration. Since Lex's office now shuts down for a full week at Christmas, we are going to shake things up a bit this year. Lex is flying to Dallas a couple of days early to spend time with old high school friends. We will meet her there to spend Christmas with my family, then drive back to Wimberley for a few days before she flies out and Austin takes off for a camping trip in Big Bend.

I'm sure it will be a lot of fun, but it will certainly be different from recent years, and it brings up a lot of questions. If the kids won't even see this house until after Christmas, and John might only be here one weekend between Thanksgiving and Christmas, do I really want to haul out, set up, and decorate the big tree, just for myself? I think I might be just as happy with some garland and twinkle lights on the porch rail, my funky raku nativity set on the sofa table, an amaryllis blooming in the dining room, a Christmas candle or fresh rosemary scenting the house, and wrapped packages stacked on the hearth. With all this extra alone time, I could spend my days in front of the sewing machine, listening to my favorite Christmas music and actually making some gifts , instead of in front of the computer, ordering them. Yep, I think I could be quite content with this simple, scaled down version of Christmas."

And on 11/14:

"Got all the Christmas gifts cut out yesterday, except for the canvas interlining and fusible interfacing. Ran out of those, so will have to make another run to San Marcos. Whew! I never suspected that something so simple could have so many layers and pieces. It took me most of the day just to cut them out, and my back was killing me before it was over with! I had forgotten what it was like to stand hunched over a cutting table for hours on end. Wish I could post pictures of what I'm making, but most every recipient reads the blog, and I don't want to spoil the surprise!"

"Just found out I'm having unexpected visitors this weekend - lovely friends that I'm really looking forward to seeing. Only problem is, I've wrecked the house with my projects, and with wrapping all the goodies I bought for the kids we "adopted" this Christmas, and which need to be delivered to Paula right away. I did go to the laundromat to wash clothes and pre-shrink all the fabric for my projects, but I didn't do any sheets or towels, and I haven't done any house-cleaning in two weeks. NOT ANY!! Guess I'd better figure out the bare minimum I can do, to keep the house from looking disgusting when they arrive. Criminy!"

And on 12/2:

"I'm wondering whether to get the sewing machine back out right now, to finish up my gifts, or should I spend the day doing my simplified Christmas decorating? After the craziness of Thanksgiving, and spending yesterday just trying to clear a path through the house, I'm feeling the need for a day of nesting. I think sewing is gonna have to wait a few days. Knowing me, if I don't get a bit of Christmas cheer spread around this house before I leave for Houston on Wednesday, I'll probably start thinking 'Crap. December is almost half over, we aren't going to spend Christmas here, and the kids won't even see the house until after Christmas. Why bother?' Well, I guess I need to bother just for me. Because I love it, and it's important to me. But it better get done soon, or I might change my mind!

It's funny how each person is so different about family celebrations. My SIL is adamant that the tree can't go up until after 12/17, but then she leaves it up forever. I always wanted to enjoy mine the entire month of December, but couldn't wait to get it down afterwards. My friend Paula has always disliked decorating her tree, and eventually switched to a trio of woodland-style trees with simple twinkle lights and no decor. I love decorating, when we do it as a family, but hate the fact that, more often than not, I have to coerce them into participating. The last few years have been a time for rethinking how we celebrate. I've been asking myself what is important, and what can I let go of?"

Finally, today:

"Good news, bad news! Lex's company finished up their work for the year before Thanksgiving, and doesn't have anything else lined up until January, so her boss has asked them all to take unpaid extended vacations. This is devastating to Alexis, financially. However, it has motivated her to come on to Texas on the 15th, and start testing the job market here. Also found out that John and Austin have decided to come in shortly after her, and are staying on through New Years (except for our two days in Dallas)! It just occurred to me that this is the first time in years that we will all be together for more than a week before Christmas, while all of the fun stuff is still going on. I must admit, I've been slipping into a funk about not having a tree, and about having so much alone time this season, and the kids were crushed when they thought we'd have to skip our traditional family excursion to the flagship Whole Foods store in Austin. Looks like now we might be able to do that plus a trip to the Austin Farmer's Market, a crazy movie at the Alamo Draughthouse, and a wonderful dinner at a funky Austin restaurant. On top of all that, Lex has been emailing me about wanting to do some Christmas baking with me, and about looking forward to seeing what all we can make from my Bountiful Sprout orders. Suddenly my gear shift has just ratcheted up into the giddy zone! Guess I'll be putting up a tree after all. I can do without sending Christmas cards, buying new outfits, hosting and attending a bunch of parties, and trying to outdo the neighbors. But some things are just too important to let go of. See ya!"