STEPPING INTO THE ROLE OF MATRIARCH

Lady Violet, of Downton Abbey
Image from bitchmagazine.org

My friend Outdoor Woman lost her mother a couple of days ago, and even though I've been through this with several other friends, and was in her position myself not so very long ago, I'm still at a loss for words. I fear saying the wrong thing to her, so I say nothing at all, which is wrong as well.

All of our parents who have lived into their 80s have become a major trial to us in their latter years. I sometimes think it's God's way of making it easier to let go of them. What with their failing bodies, and with their focus shifting ever more inwards, making them more and more oblivious to the needs and feelings of those around them, well, it's inevitable, isn't it, that they start to feel more of a burden than a blessing? With all the "Mama Drama" that my siblings and I had to deal with towards the end of our own mother's life, it was almost a relief when she passed away, which, of course, left us feeling wracked with guilt. In the end, what helped us to shift away from those feelings of guilt and remorse, was the gathering of the clan, for as always (perhaps this is the true purpose of wakes and funerals?) once we were together, we began to swap stories -- funny stories from our childhood, which helped us to replace recent images of our mother with pictures of her in a better time and place, happy, full of life and optimism.

So, maybe that's what the Muses and I need to do when we gather today. We never met Outdoor Woman's mother in person, and know nothing about her other than the trauma she has caused our friend in these last couple of years. Maybe if we ask O.W. to dredge up some memories from her childhood -- to share with us what was most interesting or humorous about her mother -- not only will it help us to know her better, maybe even to see what traits O.W. might have inherited from her, it might also help our friend to move into a better place herself. She's going to need all the help she can get. After all, it's not easy to be a good matriarch. Just ask Lady Violet!