PLAYING FAVORITES: A COMMON SENSE EXPLANATION

Though I'm sure he would have denied it if accused, my sister Kathy was always Dad's favorite. We knew it. She knew it. He knew it. Now that I understand why, it makes perfect sense. It took me a lotta years to figure this out - the reason why so many parents do seem to favor one child or the other - but it has nothing to do with loving one more, as most people seem to think. I believe it has more to do with the yin and yang of personalities. Balance.

Kathy was horrified when I first told her "It's because you are the one most like Mom", but once I had explained a bit further, she calmed down. I asked her to think about what traits must have attracted Dad to Mom in the first place, and we agreed that it was probably because he was fairly insecure, and Mom made him feel like a hero. Mom always made him feel smart and talented, she never openly questioned his authority (though she had a million subversive techniques for getting her own way), and she loved being waited on, which made Dad feel needed.

Therefore, it's no surprise that, out of all four kids, Kathy was the one that treated Dad most like he was some kind of superhero. She never questioned anything he said. I questioned everything. She always did as she was told, accepting "Because I said so!" as a perfectly logical reason for doing so. I had the ridiculous notion that one should prove the validity of one's stance first, if you expect me to go along with it. Most of all, she never outgrew wanting to be coddled, while I had this strange compulsion to do stuff for myself. Dad really needed to be needed.

So, think about it. What qualities made you fall in love with your mate? What was the magnet that drew you to them? Now think about which of your offspring most strongly exhibits those same traits. Isn't it only logical that this is the child that things tend to go a bit easier with?

Now think about your own personality. Think about the traits you yourself possess, but wish you didn't. Traits that may have made life more difficult for you, gotten you into trouble from time to time. Does one of your kids possess those very same traits? Wouldn't it be natural then, for you to stress out more often over that child, wanting to save them from going through the same difficulties you did? Would you even care if you didn't love them so much?

Once you see these urges as the natural interaction of personalities, you are less likely to feel guilty for having them. And if you aren't caught up in feelings of guilt and remorse, you are less likely to overcompensate, more likely to handle them with common sense and humor, causing damage to no one.